Life is Flowers

Where do I even begin….

Last Thursday was our appointment with a high-risk specialist.  Last Thursday was the worst day of this pregnancy so far.  We have been preparing ourselves for years.  We knew that if we were to get pregnant again it wasn’t going to be easy for anyone.  We knew a cerclage was going to be necessary.  We knew that a premature birth was likely.  We have been educating ourselves for this scenario.  We felt confident and prepared.

Problem is, we never planned on twins.

Twins (multiples) it’s probably one of the worst things you can hear when you have an incompetent cervix.  Or so we thought at first.  We processed the ‘twin’ news and again rebuilt our confidence that while that will make things even tougher it was not an insurmountable problem.  We’ve lost too many children.  We don’t intend to lose anymore.  Then the high-risk specialist decided to throw another monkey wrench at us…

“Selective Reduction.”  AKA Selective Abortion.  AKA Killing your unborn child.

I was stunned to hear it, even though I knew that was something they would throw out there.  I was quite honestly speechless.  I didn’t even know how to process what he was saying.  On top of that, it was clearly the doctor’s preference.  A lot of emphasis was placed on killing a twin rather than what can be done to save them both.  Granted the odds of saving both…they’re not so hot.  In addition, the treatment for incompetent cervix while fairly standard has an outcome that is disputed by doctors.  No one seems to agree whether cerclage or bed rest are effective in prolonging pregnancy.

But…there is a chance.  There is hope.  These twins will have a better chance than Christopher or Alexander ever had.   The twins do not have a voice of their own, but as their parents we will do the same we would do for our three year old daughter.  We are their voice and we will fight for them.  They will be granted everything medically possible to give them whatever chance we can offer them.  We will not rely solely on the recommendations of our doctors we will draw on our previous experience and the experience of a community of fellow parents who have been through this as well.  We will be aggressive with our doctors and we will demand nothing less than the full and complete cooperation of a doctor who will stand behind us 100% with the goal of delivering our twins into the world alive, and healthy.

There will be sacrifices, we’re not in denial about that.  The death of our other children clearly put a strain on our relationship.  It took years to return to a state of normalcy.  Now we have a daughter to support and care for as well.  Now we have ridiculous commutes and a crappy economy that has ruined our ability to sell our home.  The deck is stacked against us.  But somehow we always manage to survive what is thrown at us.

In the end, I still aim to hold my healthy living twins in my arms and laugh in the face of incompetent cervixes everywhere.